So gorram tired...

I've been pushed down so many times
I feel this time will be the last
as I lay here fading
my thoughts are invaded by memories of my past
I feel the pressures of shame and rejection building
as I lay here on the floor
I have no strength to get up
Am I even worth it any more?

THIS JUST IN...

just want you fucks to be made perfectly aware that I DO, in fact, HATE the man I was...

WAS.

USED TO BE.

I also want you to be aware that I'm working desperately hard to CHANGE that.

I was also wondering...

If you folks hated who I WAS...

WAS...

USED TO BE...

SO FRIGGIN' MUCH...

Why do you try so hard to drag me back into that dark place I lived before by constantly REMINDING me of who I WAS...
WAS..
USED TO BE... (for you lousy wankers that don't know the difference between past and present).

If you've no interest in the person I am now...or the people we can all become together...then kindly fuck off and leave me alone so I can grow all by my little onesies, okay?

Music or Drama????

So... yeah. (All-purpose Eddie Izzard quote)

Hank is no longer with the band. He has moved to New York with his wife.

We had INTENDED to replace him with this young lady who had worked with us before. She had been in a band with Me, Ross and David years ago, and she quit because she didn't have the right attitude.

Well...

Turns out she still doesn't.

Mahealani had aspired to join the band when we FIRST heard Hank was going to leave us, but she wasn't able to audition in time, and this other girl (I won't name her, for her privacy) already knew a bunch of our songs, had a good voice, it seemed to make sense. She SEEMED to have grown up enough to handle being in the band.

Nope.

Not at all.

Last week at rehearsal, there was a huge blow up between her and Lenny (the other guitarist, an accomplished musician and the guy who's house we practice at). Lenny was basically tired of her not being focused at rehearsal while the rest of us were and told her as much, in a very non-diplomatic way.

"Shut the fuck up." is pretty non-diplomatic, don't you think?

Anyhoo, the shouting began and Heather stomped out. After a few days to 'cool off', Ross called her to see where she stood, and she told Ross that she quit.

FORTUNATELY, that very night, we decided to make sure Mahealani got a list of just a handful of songs that Heather would be singing. She's been working on them in her spare time, and she's all set to join us at our next rehearsal.

Truth be told, I'm beside myself with excitement. I've always wanted to share a stage with her, and the few times we have, I've loved it.

Last season at the end-of-festival cast party/talent show, Mahealani and I performed "Angel from Montgomery" together. She sang and I played saxophone. Then last week, we went to the Blues Jam at the Clubhouse. I told Sheila that Lani wanted to sing "Angel", and Sheila set it up. Lani got to perform with some of the best musicians in the local scene, and absolutely WOWED them with her voice. I also pulled her up on stage one night with AKA just to help out with some backups for fun, and she loved it.

I really love that woman, and I can't wait to have her on stage with me.

Oh yeah. She's not moving to Virginia Beach, either. *Happy Dance*

dammit

There is no peace…

No calm…

No end to the anguish that washes over me in wave upon wave of grief and misery.

There is no stillness…

No quiet…

Nothing to be heard except the screams in my own ears…the screams borne of a million nightmares…the screams of agony that echo in my own head.

I’m so sorry… I am. To everyone. To all of you. Everyone that was hurt by this.

I would even sit and list you all by name, but I want to protect the privacy of everyone that has contacted me directly to tell me how hurt they are.

I wish I had thought of how all of you would be hurt by me…how your hearts would be laid to waste by my actions.

I only thought of my own agony…my own misery…and how I could drown it…how I could bury it.

I should have just kept drinking.

I truly wish I could just lie down somewhere and let the Earth swallow me whole…climb into a lonely grave for myself…and let myself pass from your memories. You would need to think on me no longer. You wouldn’t need to worry about ‘choosing sides’ or ‘staying neutral’. You could just all go on with your lives and finally get past this.

I wish I could undo what I did, but I can’t.

I wish I was not so far beyond redemption…I wish I was worthy of forgiveness, but I am not.

Years ago, some therapist of some sort said, “Noone can truly forgive someone their wrongs until that person forgives themselves.”

I call bullshit on that one.

See…I cannot ever forgive myself for what I’ve done, simply because just as I begin to think that maybe I AM someone worth knowing…worth loving…worth caring about again… I am REMINDED of the things I’ve done.

I don’t think you all do it out of spite…I don’t think ANY of you are doing it out of spite. I honestly think ALL of you are better than that.

No…I have finally come to realize that I’m just not that great a guy.

I’m sorry…

I truly am.

Speak not unto my heart...

Oh gentle winds 'neath moonlit skies,
Do not you hear my heartfelt cries?

Below the branches, here about,
Do not you sense my fear and doubt?
Side glistening rivers, sparkling streams,
Do not you hear my woeful screams?

Upon the meadows, touched with dew,
Do not you see my hearts a'skew?
Beneath the thousand twinkling stars,
Do not you feel my jagged scars?

Seek not my mournful heart kind breeze,
For you'll not find it 'mongst these trees.

It's scattered 'cross the moonlit skies,
Accompanied by heartfelt sighs.
It's drifting o're the gentle rain,
A symbol of my silent pain.

It's buried 'neath the meadow fair,
Conjoined with all the sorrow there.
It's lost among the stars this night,
Too far to ease my quiet fright.

No gentle winds, seek not my heart,
For simply ... it has torn apart.