dammit

There is no peace…

No calm…

No end to the anguish that washes over me in wave upon wave of grief and misery.

There is no stillness…

No quiet…

Nothing to be heard except the screams in my own ears…the screams borne of a million nightmares…the screams of agony that echo in my own head.

I’m so sorry… I am. To everyone. To all of you. Everyone that was hurt by this.

I would even sit and list you all by name, but I want to protect the privacy of everyone that has contacted me directly to tell me how hurt they are.

I wish I had thought of how all of you would be hurt by me…how your hearts would be laid to waste by my actions.

I only thought of my own agony…my own misery…and how I could drown it…how I could bury it.

I should have just kept drinking.

I truly wish I could just lie down somewhere and let the Earth swallow me whole…climb into a lonely grave for myself…and let myself pass from your memories. You would need to think on me no longer. You wouldn’t need to worry about ‘choosing sides’ or ‘staying neutral’. You could just all go on with your lives and finally get past this.

I wish I could undo what I did, but I can’t.

I wish I was not so far beyond redemption…I wish I was worthy of forgiveness, but I am not.

Years ago, some therapist of some sort said, “Noone can truly forgive someone their wrongs until that person forgives themselves.”

I call bullshit on that one.

See…I cannot ever forgive myself for what I’ve done, simply because just as I begin to think that maybe I AM someone worth knowing…worth loving…worth caring about again… I am REMINDED of the things I’ve done.

I don’t think you all do it out of spite…I don’t think ANY of you are doing it out of spite. I honestly think ALL of you are better than that.

No…I have finally come to realize that I’m just not that great a guy.

I’m sorry…

I truly am.